110+ Hand Puns & Jokes

Funny Jokes About Hands

1. How many bones do you think a human hand would have? Umm, a handful maybe?
2. What are the best names for your right-hand watchdogs? Rolex or Timex.
3. What did the cop say to a hand? You are under a-wrist.
4. What is the rudest thing to say to someone who has lost their fingers? We are crossing fingers for you.
5. What tree can fit in one’s hand? A palm tree.
6. What would a Pope use to dry his hands? A papal towel.
7. What would you call a vocalist singing with a hand shower? A Faucetto.
8. Which is the best hand to write with? Neither. One should always write with a pen.
9. Why can’t people with no hands tell what’s wrong with a picture? They cannot quite put their finger on it.
10. Why can everyone clap with their hands except T-rex? Because they are extinct.
11. Why don’t you give any credit to the elbow for bending the arm? Because it’s a joint effort.
12. Why do the fingers refuse to agree with the thumbs? This is because the thumbs can be opposable.
13. Why do you think fingers are always a reliable body part? No matter what, you can always count on them.
14. Why is dry beef’s handwriting very bad? Because it’s very jerky.

New And Hilarious Hand Puns

1. A friend and I were doing laundry and she asked for a hand to dry the clothes. I said, “I would but my hands are TIDE”.
2. A friend of mine met with a bike accident and broke his left hand. Oh, don’t worry he’s all right now!
3. After coming home from grocery shopping with my mom, I was trying to unlatch the door with one hand and asked my mother, “How do one-armed mothers do it?” she replied, “Single-handedly”.
4. I caught a bee in my hand and started shouting beauty looking at my friend. Little did she know, ‘beauty lies in the hand of bee holder”.
5. I got my arm transplant done at a great money price yesterday. It sure was discounted at the second-hand store.
6. I recently got a prosthetic hand and working at the poker table would be a challenge but I think I can deal with it.
7. I wanted to look cool at my friend’s dance class so I said anyone can do a handstand. When the teacher asked me to do it I asked my friend to place his hand on the floor and I merely just stood on it.
8. I was at the buffet line in a restaurant and as I asked what’s special for today, a lady handed her baby to me. I smiled and said, “no thank you, I am a pure vegetarian”. She was shocked I guess.
9. I was so great with political science that I knew it on the back of my hand. But now it is difficult to know my left from my right.
10. My father just won three hands in poker. He said, “Some people really gamble anything to keep playing.”
11. My father slipped in the bathroom today and ask my mother for a hand. She started clapping and we all burst into laughter.
12. My grandfather was a soldier who lost all the feeling in his fingers after the war. I believe he’s out of touch.
13. My mom was angry with my brother and she slapped him with a handful of coins on his face. I am sure this time she slapped some cents into him.
14. My sister broke her fingers after an accident. When the doctor came in and asked her a question about how she was feeling now, she said, “With my elbows mostly”.
15. My sister fractured two fingers on her left-hand today. But on the other hand, everything is fine.
16. Yesterday a thief stole all the hand-sanitizers from the grocers. He sure made a clean getaway after all.

Short But Fun Filled Hand One Liners

1. A guy I know has got a prosthetic arm. It is quite handy.
2. I’ve washed my hands so much that now are greeting me. It surely is because of my hi gene.
3. I auditioned for a carpenter’s hand and nailed it.
4. I don’t like it when my friend has a hand sanitizer and I don’t. He’s always rubbing it in.
5. If one ever cuts out their left hand, their right hand will be left.
6. Is it a fair deal to get married? On one hand, they would wear a ring, but on the other, they wouldn’t.
7. I think a palm tree is just a tree made out of hands.
8. I went to my doctor and told him that I broke my arm in two places. He advised me to stop going to those places.
9. Never take out the bread earlier from the toaster. You’ll burn your hand and it’ll be quite toasty.
10. I was trekking through the forest, when I was astonished to see a deer attack a bear . I exclaimed, “Oh deer, he’s gonna fight you with his bear hands!”
11. One arm told a joke to the other arm. I am sure the other arm found it very humerus.
12. People really gotta hand it to the short people. They can’t reach it on their own.
13. The man who invented the wrist-watch probably had too much time on his hands.
14. When I got some fruit preserves on my finger, the doctor said they were jammed. He was kind of funny.

hand jokes

1. How do you wash your hands at Christmas? With hand Santatizer!
2. What has 5 fingers but isn’t your hand? My hand!
3. What has 6 legs, 6 eyes and 6 hands? 6 pirates!
4. What’s the best way to hold a bat? By the handle!
5. How did the hipster burn his hand? He changed the lightbulb before it was cool!
6. I sprained my thumb today On the other hand, I’m doing ok!
7. What’s so nice about the skeleton? He always lends a hand!
8. What’s worse than having a big nose? Having a big nose and tiny hands!
9. What’s the difference between a bison and a buffalo?  You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo!
10. What type of tree fits snugly in your hand? A palm tree!
11. If you had 4 apples and 5 oranges in one hand and 6 apples and 7 oranges in the other, what would you have? Very large hands!
12. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both left-ies One the one hand, it’s great. On the other, it’s not!
13. A thief was arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough… They were caught bread handed!
14. What do you say when you hand someone an avocado? Havacado!
15. How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod? With your BEAR hands!
16. I found a good bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands dirty from mixing it…
17. The bread was kneadless, to say!
18. What do you call someone who can eat candy corn with both hands? Ambidextrose!
19. Why can’t the T-rex clap its hands? Because it’s extinct!
20. Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?The second hand shop!

Funny Hand Jokes

1. My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?” I replied, “Single-handedly.”
2. Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
3. I broke my finger today. On the other hand I am okay.
4. 6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
5. If anyone is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully… On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
6. I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl. It’s 14.
7. Captain Hook is single-handedly my favorite Disney villain.
8. Whoever figured out the ‘days of the month correspond with your knuckles’ thing had too much time on their hands.
9. How many bones are in your hand? A handful.
10. Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
11. My doctor was struggling to write my prescription when I said, “Doctor, that’s a rectal thermometer in your hand!”
12. He replied, “Darn it! Someone’s got my pen!”
13. Why can’t T-Rexes clap their hands? Because they’re extinct.
14. What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, grandpa! No hands!
15. I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl.
16. And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
17. What hand do you wipe your bum with? My right hand. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! I use toilet paper.
18. Said hello to a guy with really small hands. What a microwave.
19. My nails are getting too long. They’re growing out of hand.
20. I once grabbed a slippery soap. It got out of hand pretty quickly.
21. What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand? My hand.
22. I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
23. I guess I have too much time on my hands.
24. What is Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEEEEEEYE!
25. You’ve really gotta hand it to short people.
26. Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
27. If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have? Really big hands.
28. I cut my hand opening a bottle of sparkling wine.
29. I guess every rosé has its thorn!
30. What would the world be like without left-handed people? Eh, it would be all right.
31. If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!
32. I did everything with my left hand for a day. It didn’t feel right.
33. Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day. Husband: Well next time take the car then, silly.
34. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’.
35. Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it’s just not right.
36. Who else wants to see a puppet show, minus the puppets? Let’s see a show of hands.
37. It was so cold in D.C. today…
38. That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
39. What do you call a tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree.
40. If the world’s human population joined hands around the equator…
41. A significant portion of them would drown.
42. Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
43. I went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said, “Employees must wash hands”.
44. I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
45. Boyfriend: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage. Dad: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal.
46. Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
47. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
48. I couldn’t care less about what vegans eat.
49. Cannibals on the other hand…
50. WHERE’S MY OTHER HAND?
51. What did the cop say to a hand? You are under a-wrist.
52. What does the Pope use to dry his hands? A papal towel.
53. Why are hands the most reliable parts of the body? Because you can always count on them.