Butt Puns That Are Just Butty-ful
- When your butt gets hurt, what would you take to alleviate the pain? Ass – prin
- What would a man say to flirt with a woman that has a big butt? You are so butty – ful!
- Much like butt holes, families are typically meant to be tight.
- Do you know the well-known painter who specializes in drawing butts? His name is Pic – ass – ole.
- The plastic surgeon completely removed the buttocks of the women. It was really a dis-ass-ter.
- As my but is much bigger than my heart. I want to say “I love you baby with all my butt!”
- The reason why ducks have feathers is that they would cover the butt quacks with them.
- Yesterday, somebody butt-dialed me again. It seems like that only assholes want to talk to me.
- Which song of Marry Blige would Nicki Minaj want to cover the most? Take Me Ass I am.
- When the dishwasher stops running, you just need to slap in its ass and get back to work.
- I do not like anything, butt corgis for this Christmas.
- Each morning, I always kiss my wife before going to work and say “I hope your day is as good as your butt.”
- Do you know why the toilet paper does not cross the road? Because it gets stuck in a crack.
- The ice cream says to his best friend popsicle “Perhaps more people might like you if you would relax and stop acting as you had a giant stick up your butt.”
- I think my butt is broken, but the doctor says that there is always a crack in every butt.
- In a therapy session, a butt says “I sometimes feel like I am full of nothing butt crap.”
- What is the most favourite food of your poop? Butt-er
- I have just made a butt plug out of a carrot in the refrigerator. It is so cool.
- My doctor examines my butt and says that I have got more crack than any drug dealers.
- How would a butt flirt with another butt? Just say “Hey, cutaneous!”
- A butt expresses her feelings with her crush “I just want to ass if you would like to go out with me tonight.”
- Which famous actor has the biggest butt in the world? He must be Huge Jassman, who is also known as Hugh Jackman.
- The United States is a violent country as it has a lot of weapons for ass destruction.
- When I was a child, my mom always tried to teach me that you are butt you eat.
- Everyone knows that uranium is dangerous because you might get a nuclear “bum” after swallowing this chemical.
- The teacher asks her students why they lie in the doorway of the classroom only with their top half. The students answer “Because you say “No butts!””
- Do you know why does the man carry a bottom in the elevator? Because he brings up the rear.
- Where is the best place to keep your fake poo? In your bottom drawer.
- The butt gets a slap because it is so cheeky.
- The toilet paper is rolling down the hill because it wants to hit the bottom as soon as possible.
- What do we call a person who gives you there wishes whenever you rub his butt? He is called a Genie – Arse!
- What is the biggest butt in the world? It must be the bottom of the sea
- When you hit the rock bottom, what would happen? Bum Crack
- What would the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He might wipe his butt.
- I just want to say that I love you a buttload!
- The first lesson that my teacher gave me in the psychology call is to put your trust in those people who love big butts because they can’t lie.
- What do we call a male cow with a big ass? He is called a butt – ox!
- What does one butt cheek talk to another butt cheek? “We could stop this shit together, bro!”
- Of course, I want to be able to breathe, but I would not mind having that ass – thma.
- In the bus station, a man looks at the butt of a girl and ask “Where will this butt go anyway?”
- Do you know Kim Kardashian? She is a very butty – ful celebrity.
- A boss is just like a baby diaper that is always on your butt and filled with poop.
- Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like your butt. Let me touch it forever.
- You should never trust any women who come to you with a smile and a big butt.
- Behind every great woman is probably a man who checks out her ass.
- Which side do butts often want to be on? Its back side.
- What do we call a day when a butt was born? – It is a buttday!
- Who can kill many people and has two butts? – An assassin.
- When one of your buttocks is smaller than the other, it is called assymmetrical.
Funny Butt Jokes & Puns
- What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
- Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn’t a relative? Ass-skin for a friend.
- If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt…
You officially hit rock bottom.
- What’s a more concrete term for butt crack? Asphalt.
- What do you call an ox with a big butt? Buttocks.
- What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other? Assymmetrical.
- I farted in front of my son.
He said, “That sounded like a duck!”
I told him, “That’s because I have a butt quack.”
- What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack? Silicon Valley.
- If someone is burnt and needs a skin graft, can I donate the skin tissue on my butt?
- Why does a duck have tail feathers? To cover its butt quack.
- Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt? Because change comes from within.
- Being a scarecrow isn’t for everyone.
Butt hay, it’s in my jeans.
- What do you call it when a duck farts? A butt-quack.
- My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later.
I’ve heard him tell it many times over the years.
It’s old butt gold.
- Can I borrow your butt? Mine has a crack in it.
- When is a butt not cracked in half? When it’s a butt (w)hole.
- A group of butts is walking.
The smallest struggles to keep up.
“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”
- My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek.
It was very half-assed.
- A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
- When you say the word “poop” your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.
The same is true for “explosive diarrhea”.
- A geologist asked me if I like extremely high, steep hills with a flat top.
I said yeah, I like big buttes and I cannot lie.
- My wife swiped our debit card on my butt crack.
She said, “Transaction denied, insufficient buns.”
- Did you hear how Thor saved Loki’s butt? With an Asgard.
- Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&”…
Looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?
- I accidentally butt dialed my ex last night.
I swear it’s the only booty call I’ve ever made.
- “Doctor, I think I have a serious issue. A piece of lettuce is sticking out of my butt!”
Doctor: I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
- What’s the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen? Its butt.
- What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.
- What did the ashtray say to the cigarette? “Nice butt”.
- My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks.
My wife said I did a half-ass job applying sunscreen.
- If I cut off my right butt cheek…
- Would I be left behind?
- A man goes to the doctor with a frog on his head.
The doctor asks the man, “What can I help you with?” To which the frog responds, “Well, it all started with a little lump on my butt.”
- Is butt cheeks one word…
Or should I spread them apart? I think we can all come up with a better name for underwear.
- Butt hat’s none of my business.
- A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big.
He says, “I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky.
“Not tonight,” says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”
- First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now, “LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION!”
- A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I think I have a tapeworm.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Well, we’re all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat.”
So the man goes home and gathers up his supplies, then goes to bed and shows up the next day with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat.
The doctor takes the baseball bat and sets it in the corner, then takes the orange and shoves it up the man’s butt.
He waits five minutes, then puts the Twinkie up after it.
The doctor then tells the man to go home and come back the next day with another orange, and another Twinkie.
So the man goes home, and he comes back the next day with another orange and another Twinkie.
The doctor takes the orange and he shoves it up the man’s butt, then he waits five minutes then puts the Twinkie up after it.
The doctor and the man go on like this for a week, with the man coming back every day with an orange and a Twinkie.
Finally, at the end of the week, the doctor tells the man to come back the next day with just an orange.
The man goes home, gets his orange and comes back the next day.
The doctor takes the orange and, as is usual, shoves it up the man’s butt.
Then he waits.
Five minutes go by, then ten, and the man starts to get impatient, but the doctor won’t let him leave.
Finally after half an hour, the man feels something shift inside his stomach.
Suddenly, the tapeworm sticks his head out the man’s butt and says, “Hey! Where’s my Twinkie?” And the doctor hits it with the baseball bat.
- A deer owned a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons, “Who broke the window!?” A hare responded, “I kinda did…”
The deer asked, “What do you mean by ‘kinda’?” The hare says, “Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn’t toilet paper and threw me right out of the window.”
The deer fined the bear $500.
A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked, “Who broke the window!?”
A squirrel responded, “I kinda did…”
A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up – the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc.
So the deer asked, “Who did all this!?” The hedgehog replied, “I kinda did…”
- My girlfriend told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.
I guess I should’ve let the bulb cool first.
More Butt Puns That Will Make You Laugh
- What is the drug that is associated with the butt? Crack.
- Why is the bum just simply not pretty? It is butt ugly.
- How can someone who is blind wipe their butt? With toilet paper no different from others.
- Have you been told that ghosts have the best butts? Dead ass.
- That butt surgeon was the best and was also rectal-mended.
- Alligators never butt dial but they crocodile.
- I would like a new butt for my birthday because mine has a crack in it.
- What is a food that you associate with butts? Crackers.
- Ah my butt hurts. I have some disbumfort.
- Why did he get one of his butt cheeks sunburned? He only did a half ass job applying sunscreen.
- That butt joke I heard was so funny I just cracked up.
- Why are butts no good? They have holes in it.
- I injured my butt and I am far from cheeky about it.
- Why was the ghost arrested for haunting someone’s butt? Due to the possession of crack.
- Why are people with large butts trustworthy? They cannot lie.
- Butt jokes are allowed because they are just quite holesome to me.
- What is a grumpy butt at a fun gathering called? A party pooper.
- The one with the two butts ended up dying because of being ass-ass-inated.
- Hey is it okay to take dermis from your butt and graft it for your friend in need? I am ass-kin for a friend.
- What do you do if you need answers that have to do with a butt? Ass-k questions.
- That one who farts all of the time I want nothing to do with and I simply do not want to be ass-ociated with them.
- I hate being constipated as it is the ultimate pain in the butt.
- Why do you want to keep the phone away from your ass? Because the last thing you want to see happen is some butt dialing.
- Where do cigarette butts go? Into the ass-tray.
- We have to motivate our butts right now to stop this shit from happening.
- What is the reason that the duck has feathers on the tail? To cover up the butt crack.
- Can you tell me if butt cheeks is one word, or should I really spread them apart?
- My butt nerves don’t seem to be strong anymore and I am dead ass serious about this.
- The new butt plug was worried about the old butt plug because it has seen some shit.
- What is another name for a fart? A butt symphony.
- How are a brown noser and a butt kisser different? Through depth perception.
- You don’t want to swipe your debit card through the butt crack. You may get a message of ‘transaction denied, insufficient buns.’
- Your butt is squishy because if it wasn’t, then sitting would be a pain in the ass.
- What happens when a cat’s butt looks like a trophy? It is a catastrophe.
- I participated in an art contest and submitted a statue of myself shaped like a butt. But the judges clearly said I made an ass of myself.
- Why would one of your butt implants deflate? Because of half-assing it.
- What form of punctuation is the same as a butt amputation? A semicolon.
- This is the year of the butts and we see that. After all, it is hindsight is 2020.
- I would love to see your butt because it would be f-ass-inating.
- Why did everyone laugh at the bum statue? It was the butt of everyone’s jokes.
- What is a bum that is shaped like a fish? Hali-butt.
- How are families like buttholes? They are meant to be tight.
- Someone butt-dialed me again and I am getting so tired of this shit.
- What is the medicine to take when your butt hurts? Ass-pirin.
- Why are butts so crass and rude? They are simply so ass-inine.
- That butt song you sang really stinks, no offense.
- What happens when you put a battery up your butt? You are powerful.