Squirrel Jokes and Puns
- Why do neutered dogs always chase squirrels?
They’re just trying to get their nuts back.
- Where do squirrels end up during hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
- Why didn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia?
It was a tough nut to crack.
- What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel.
- How can you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
- A squirrel is sitting comfortably in his oak tree when he sees an elephant. He asks the elephant why he came by.
“Oh, I’m just coming up here to eat delicious oranges!” says the elephant. “You fool!” the squirrel responds. “This is an oak tree!” “I know that,” the elephant replied. “I brought the oranges from home.”
- What’s a squirrel’s favorite seasoning?
Nutmeg.
- What did the tree say to the squirrel?
“Just leaf me alone!”
- What is a doctor for overweight squirrels called?
A nut-tritionist.
- Why do employers love hiring squirrels?
You can literally pay them peanuts.
- Why are so many squirrels rich?
Because they are good at squirreling away their money.
- What is the squirrel internet called?
The nutwork!
- What does a dog say after chasing a squirrel up a tree?
“Bark!”
- What did one squirrel’s family say after he came back from the movie theater?
“Tail us all about it!”
- What did the dad squirrel tell his family?
Acorn-y joke.
- Why don’t squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
- What type of TV do squirrels watch?
Nut-flix.
- How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but how they got in there is the real mystery.
- What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmonk.
- Where do squirrels go for summer vacation?
To beech trees.
- What do you call a squirrel that solves crimes?
Squirrel-lock Holmes.
- What’s a squirrel’s least favorite kind of flower?
Forget-me-nuts.
- What did the squirrel say to the police dog?
“Stop barking up the wrong tree and don’t act like a nut.”
- Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
Because he was foraging checks.
- What do squirrels wear on their feet?
Ca-shews.
- Why did the squirrel get lost in the woods?
It followed the wrong root.
- What did the squirrel say to its family before it left for work?
“I’m gonna go out on a limb here.”
- Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
It’s just nuts.
- What’s a squirrel’s favorite movie?
The Social Nutwork.
- How did the squirrel try to impress his date?
He went out on a limb.
- I got thrown out of the park after rearranging all the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like me critter-sizing.
- I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I’m going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
- What did the squirrel say when he was late for work?
“I’m sorry, but the traffic was absolutely nuts.”
- What smells like nuts but is impossible to see?
Squirrel farts.
- Why did the squirrel bury the tin of fish?
Because tuna spelled backward is “a nut.”
- Why did the squirrel take her car apart?
She wanted to see the nuts and bolts of it.
- What did the squirrel say when he had to decide whether to stay or jump?
“I’m really on the fence about this one.”
- What did the first squirrel say when the second squirrel put twigs in the frying pan?
“What are you doing? This is a non-stick pan!”
- What do you call a squirrel in charge of a bank?
A branch manager.
- If a squirrel and a raccoon were playing Scrabble, who’d win?
The squirrel, because it has a “Q.”
- What do you call a squirrel that goes to space?
An astro-nut.
- How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
- How do you catch a squirrel who’s interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
- What do you call a food advisor for squirrels?
A nut-ritionist.
- What famous squirrel tells the future?
Nutradamus.
- I saw a squirrel this morning cycling through the park.
I didn’t know they could ride bikes!
- What’s the difference between a rat and a squirrel?
Nothing, really — the squirrel’s just a rat in a cuter outfit.
- What do you get when you mix a rat with a sea snake?
A squirr-eel.
- What’s a squirrel’s favorite kind of joke?
Acorny one.
- What do you call a female squirrel?
A girrel.
- I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels. I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others, but then the rangers kicked me out! She said, “I was critter-sizing.”
Squirrel Funny One-Liners
- I was trying to come up with a few squirrel puns to make you laugh, but they were all too nutty.
- It’s nuts that squirrels store food for winter.
- A wise squirrel once said “you are what you eat”. He was nuts.
- Squirrels are very good at explaining things, because they give it to you in a nutshell.
- Maybe nut today, maybe nut tomorrow, nuts soon. And for the rest of your life.
- How do squirrels remember where their nuts are buried? They use acorn-yms
- What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant? An animal that never forgets where it’s hidden its nuts.
- What did the squirrel wear on her feet? Cashews.
- What was the squirrel’s favorite seasoning? Nut-meg.
- Which ballet do squirrels like best? The nutcracker.
- What happens when more than one squirrel acts like a nut? There ends up being a squarrel.
- Why are so many squirrels rich? Because they are good at squirrellin away their money.
- What did the racing pigeon say to the racing squirrel? Don’t act like a nut and try to beat me because you walnut be able to go faster than me.
- What did the squirrel say to the psychologist? I think I’m nuts.
- What did the squirrel say the time she managed to accidentally catch her tail in the door? It won’t be long now.
- What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel when they went to the cinema? I love our dates and I’m nuts about you.
- What did the squirrel say to the police dog? Stop barking up the wrong tree and don’t act like a nut.
- Why did the bank manager ask the police to help him catch a squirrel? Because the squirrel was suspected of foraging cheques.
- What did the first squirrel say when the second squirrel put twigs in the frying pan? What on earth are you doing? This is a non-stick pan!
- If a squirrel and a raccoon were playing scrabble, who would win? The squirrel, because it has a ‘Q’.
- What is a squirrel’s favourite number? Tree.
- Why did the squirrel bury her lottery tickets under a bush? She was hedging her bets.
- Why did the squirrel blush when she had been hit by a car? Because she felt flattered.
- Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.
- I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn’t know how. So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
- I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height. They didn’t like me critter sizing.
- What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo? An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
- I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar. That’ll blow his mind.
- Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown? To the nut-house.
- What do you call a squirrel with no nuts? A female squirrel.
- Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles? To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
- Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans? Because their nuts won’t fit.
- Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia nut? It was one tough nut to crack.
- How do you catch a rich squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
- Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say… Unless you’re Chinese. Then it’s ‘squirrel’.
- Psychologist: What brings you here today? Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
- Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car? To get down to the nuts and bolts.
- Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It’s just nuts
- My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it. Nature abhors a vacuum.