- Liquor might not solve all your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
- Why did the drunk climb up on the bar roof?
He heard the next one was on the house!
- Let’s make like a ghost and get sheet-faced.
- What should you order if you just want a small drink?
- Where’s the best place to order a marteenie?
- I promise not to drunk dial you. Alcohol you later.
- Why don’t they allow dogs in bars?
Because most of them can’t hold their licker!
- Like a bear drinking honey from a bee hive, I’m getting really buzzed.
- What do ghosts like to drink?
Oh, they’ll drink anything with boo’s!
- Some people say I drink like a fish, but I just tuna them out.
- What kind of drink does Chuck Norris order at the bar?
- Why does going out in the cold kill your buzz?
Because it makes you so-brr!
- Why did the Easter Bunny show up at the bar?
He heard it was Hoppy Hour!
- I didn’t black out. I just got a little absinthe-minded.
- Why did the drunk call AA after he crashed his car into a lake? He forgot the third A for Triple-A car service!
- Have you heard about the alcoholic psychic? He made every one of the spirits in his home disappear.
- Do you know what the difference is between a stoner and an alcoholic on the road? The alcoholic runs a stop sign while a stoner sits and waits for it to turn green.
- What do the small children of alcoholic parents do? They wine.
- I don’t drunk text, but alcohol you instead.
- Why did the bartender tell the guest that he couldn’t bring his dog into the bar? Because he knew he couldn’t hold his licker!
- What do bees and drunks both have in common? They both enjoy the buzz!
- Why did the alcoholic want to visit a beehive? He heard that you can get the greatest buzz there!
- What do you offer a ghost that is haunting your home? Boo’s.
- How can you use the cold weather to lose your buzz? Go outside with no coat and get so-brr!
- What time does the Easter Bunny head to the bar? During Hoppy Hour.
- Why did the alcoholic go to the gym? Because he heard that is where you can get a six-pack.
- What did one beer bottle say to his spilled friend? It’s too bad you got wasted.
- What can you say to an alcoholic who won’t stop complaining? Just stop wine-ing.
- Can the Amish become alcoholics? Sure, if you see them fall of their wagons!
- The doctor told the man he couldn’t touch anything alcoholic anymore. So he divorced his wife when he got home.
- How do alcoholics get up a flight of stairs? By taking 12-steps at a time.
- Why couldn’t the alcoholic become a lawyer after graduation? He was never able to pass the bar.
- Why can’t most alcoholics never become comedians? Because they can’t stand-up long enough to make jokes!
- Whiskey versus tequila- what a spirited debate that would be!
- I’ve always liked to indulge now and again, but I draw the lime when it comes to tequila.
- You had me at merlot.
- I’m expanding my vodka-bulary.
- Don’t worry, beer happy.
- What the ale?
- Will you be wine?
- Gin-gle bells.
- Hoppy birthday!
- I was born to rum.
- IPA-lot when I drink.
- Call me old-fashioned.
- You’re prosecco-nd to none.
- Happy alcohol-idays.
- Stop and smell the rosé.
- My favorite book is How Tequila Mockingbird.
- I feel like I can do Henny-thing.
- I wish you were beer.
- It’s time to wine down.
- Keep your gin up.
- We won the champagne-ship.
- It’s a gin-der-neutral restroom.
- Thanks for your Patrón-age.
- I make pour decisions.
- Liquor may not solve your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
- Beer heals ale-ments.
- The coldest alcohol is brrr-bon.
- Be gin-uine.
- The smallest drink is a mar-teeny.
- Give me a riesling to believe you.
- My dog will liquor on the cheek.
- It worked out, aperol.
- Which Campari going to?
- I have no Kahlua.
- Cognac West.
- If you annoy him, he’ll get sangria.
- My favorite dessert is c-rum brûlée.
- I whiskey would try harder.
- What kind of beer do lumberjacks drink?
- I was going to get a 12-pack of beer, but I got 24 just in case.
- Beer cures what ales ya.
- What kind of dance is most popular at a keg party?
- Hoppy Octo-beer!
- What did the dark beer say when it was getting brewed?
I’ll be bock!
- Take a pitcher – it’ll last longer.
- What kind of beer is always served in a bucket of ice?
- I like my whiskey straight and my bars gay.
- What kind of whiskey is best served in wintertime?
- Whiskey vs. vodka – now that’s a spirited debate!
- How do you fix a broken bottle of Johnnie Walker?
By using Scotch tape!
- My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
- Drinking too many margaritas is liable to tequil-ya.
- What kind of tequila do geometrists drink?
- Did you hear there’s a Mexican version of Harper Lee’s classic novel?
It’s called Tequila Mockingbird!
- I like drinking, but tequila is where I draw the lime.
- “Sobriety” is not in my vodkabulary.
- My spirit animal is Grey Goose
- What do carpenters like to order at the bar?
- What’s the best vodka to order if you’re in a hurry?