90+ Alcohol Puns & Jokes

Drinking Puns

1. Liquor might not solve all your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
2. Why did the drunk climb up on the bar roof?
   He heard the next one was on the house!
3. Let’s make like a ghost and get sheet-faced.
4. What should you order if you just want a small drink?
   A marteenie!
5. Where’s the best place to order a marteenie?
   A mini-bar!
6. I promise not to drunk dial you. Alcohol you later.
7. Why don’t they allow dogs in bars?
   Because most of them can’t hold their licker!
8. Like a bear drinking honey from a bee hive, I’m getting really buzzed.
9. What do ghosts like to drink?
   Oh, they’ll drink anything with boo’s!
10. Some people say I drink like a fish, but I just tuna them out.
11. What kind of drink does Chuck Norris order at the bar?
    Sock-ee!
12. Why does going out in the cold kill your buzz?
    Because it makes you so-brr!
13. Why did the Easter Bunny show up at the bar?
    He heard it was Hoppy Hour!
14. I didn’t black out. I just got a little absinthe-minded.
15. Why did the drunk call AA after he crashed his car into a lake? He forgot the third A for Triple-A car service!
16. Have you heard about the alcoholic psychic? He made every one of the spirits in his home disappear.
17. Do you know what the difference is between a stoner and an alcoholic on the road? The alcoholic runs a stop sign while a stoner sits and waits for it to turn green.
18. What do the small children of alcoholic parents do? They wine.
19. I don’t drunk text, but alcohol you instead.
20. Why did the bartender tell the guest that he couldn’t bring his dog into the bar? Because he knew he couldn’t hold his licker!
21. What do bees and drunks both have in common? They both enjoy the buzz!
22. Why did the alcoholic want to visit a beehive? He heard that you can get the greatest buzz there!
23. What do you offer a ghost that is haunting your home? Boo’s.
24. How can you use the cold weather to lose your buzz? Go outside with no coat and get so-brr!
25. What time does the Easter Bunny head to the bar? During Hoppy Hour.
26. Why did the alcoholic go to the gym? Because he heard that is where you can get a six-pack.
27. What did one beer bottle say to his spilled friend? It’s too bad you got wasted.
28. What can you say to an alcoholic who won’t stop complaining? Just stop wine-ing.
29. Can the Amish become alcoholics? Sure, if you see them fall of their wagons!
30. The doctor told the man he couldn’t touch anything alcoholic anymore. So he divorced his wife when he got home.
31. How do alcoholics get up a flight of stairs? By taking 12-steps at a time.
32. Why couldn’t the alcoholic become a lawyer after graduation? He was never able to pass the bar.
33. Why can’t most alcoholics never become comedians? Because they can’t stand-up long enough to make jokes!
34. Whiskey versus tequila- what a spirited debate that would be!
35. I’ve always liked to indulge now and again, but I draw the lime when it comes to tequila.

36. You had me at merlot.
37. I’m expanding my vodka-bulary.
38. Don’t worry, beer happy.
39. What the ale?
40. Will you be wine?
41. Gin-gle bells.
42. Hoppy birthday!
43. I was born to rum.
44. IPA-lot when I drink.
45. Call me old-fashioned.
46. You’re prosecco-nd to none.
47. Happy alcohol-idays.
48. Stop and smell the rosé.
49. My favorite book is How Tequila Mockingbird.
50. I feel like I can do Henny-thing.
51. I wish you were beer.
52. It’s time to wine down.
53. Keep your gin up.
54. We won the champagne-ship.
55. It’s a gin-der-neutral restroom.
56. Thanks for your Patrón-age.
57. I make pour decisions.
58. Liquor may not solve your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
59. Beer heals ale-ments.
60. The coldest alcohol is brrr-bon.
61. Be gin-uine.
62. The smallest drink is a mar-teeny.
63. Give me a riesling to believe you.
64. My dog will liquor on the cheek.
65. It worked out, aperol.
66. Which Campari going to?
67. I have no Kahlua.
68. Cognac West.
69. If you annoy him, he’ll get sangria.
70. My favorite dessert is c-rum brûlée.
71. I whiskey would try harder.

Beer

1. What kind of beer do lumberjacks drink?
   Loggers!
2. I was going to get a 12-pack of beer, but I got 24 just in case.
3. Beer cures what ales ya.
4. What kind of dance is most popular at a keg party?
   Tap dance!
5. Hoppy Octo-beer!
6. What did the dark beer say when it was getting brewed?
   I’ll be bock!
7. Take a pitcher – it’ll last longer.
8. What kind of beer is always served in a bucket of ice?
   Pail ale!

Whiskey

1. I like my whiskey straight and my bars gay.
2. What kind of whiskey is best served in wintertime?
   Brrr-bon!
3. Whiskey vs. vodka – now that’s a spirited debate!
4. How do you fix a broken bottle of Johnnie Walker?
   By using Scotch tape!
5. My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

Tequila

1. Drinking too many margaritas is liable to tequil-ya.
2. What kind of tequila do geometrists drink?
   Jose Squarvo!
3. Did you hear there’s a Mexican version of Harper Lee’s classic novel?
   It’s called Tequila Mockingbird!
4. I like drinking, but tequila is where I draw the lime.

Vodka

1. “Sobriety” is not in my vodkabulary.
2. My spirit animal is Grey Goose
3. What do carpenters like to order at the bar?
   Screwdrivers!
4. What’s the best vodka to order if you’re in a hurry?
   Rushin’ vodka!