- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
- You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? How the heck did that happen?
I chipped in from the rough!
- Why don’t golfers ever eat pie?
Just in case they get a slice!
- How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off?
Kiss my putt!
- The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes.
- What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-Get Me Nots
- What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
- What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie they can find
- A player asked his golf coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
The coach replied, “You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
- When is it too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes
- Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball.
- Did you hear about the two guys that met at a golf course?
It was the beginning of a beautiful friend-chip!
- What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt
- There are three ways to improve your golf game:
take lessons, practice constantly, or… start cheating!
- Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
A golf course
- What’s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
- If you golf on an election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.
- Golf balls are like eggs.
They’re white, sold by the dozen, and after a week you need to buy some more!
- Are you a scratch golfer?
I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where the heck it went.
- Why is golf called golf?
Because F&*% was already taken!
- Do you know how the moon got craters?
Three Words: Chuck Norris Golf
- Golfer: “I think I’ll go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddie: “I don’t think you’ll keep your head down long enough.”
- Golf is a lot like taxes…you go for the green and come out in the hole!
- It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.
- If your opponent can’t remember if he shot a six or a seven on a hole, chances are he had an eight on it.
- I shot one under at golf today.
One under a tree, one under a bush, and one under the water
- Bad at golf?
Join the club.
- I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break!
- What does a golfer love to hear from his wife?
Talk birdie to me!
- I only hit two good balls today…when I stood on a rake!
- Man, that dwarf is good at putting and chipping. His short game is at a different level!
- The man who takes up golf to get his mind off work will soon take up work to get his mind off golf.
- Golf was once a rich man’s sport but now it has millions of poor players!
- Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
- I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!
- Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing!
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles!
- The secret of playing good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often!
- I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever regripped more often than my clubs.
- The higher a golfer’s handicap, the higher the chance of him telling you what you’re doing wrong!
- Many golfers prefer a cart instead of a caddy because a cart cannot count, criticize, or laugh!
- Golfer: I would move heaven and earth to get a birdie today.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth today.
- The best person to play golf with is someone who always plays a little bit worse than you do.
- Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.
- In golf, the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you!
- There’s no game like golf.
You go out with three friends, play 18 holes, then come back with three enemies!
- Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He was puttering around.
- Golf: a 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
- Golf is harder than baseball because in golf you have to play your foul balls.
- I wish I could play my normal game…Just once!
- The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul-it-again.”
- I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
- Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
- The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.
- Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?
On a golf corpse.
- What do golfers do on their days off?
- What should NASA do if it wants to explore water on Mars?
Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.
- Why do golf announcers whisper?
Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.
- Which actress is incredible at golf?
- What did the sign above the golf club bar say?
“Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”
- What do you call a really friendly golfer?
A social putterfly.
- Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.
- What do you call a monkey who wins the Masters?
- What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?
A lot of greens and water.
- In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers…
They shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.
- To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
- Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice
- An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
- Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
- An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice …
Once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
- In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
- What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
- “You’re late on the tee, John.”
“Yes, well, it being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”
“Okay, but why are you so late?”
“I had to toss it 15 times!”
- A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner,
“Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
- What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club? Harry Putter.
- A friend of Henry’s dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.
“Henry,” he says, “you won’t believe it, but there is golf in Heaven.”
“That is wonderful!” Henry replies.
“Don’t be so happy,” his friend says. “You have a tee time scheduled for Saturday.”
- Bob was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. Bob asked the pro: “What do you think of my game?”
The pro replied: “You should shorten your clubs by 1 inch.”
Bob asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, “No! It will help them fit in the trash can!”
- In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a “six”, yell “fore”, and write “five”.
- Wife: “You spend far too much time concentrating on golf! Do you even remember the day we got engaged?”
Husband: “Sure I do. It was the same day I shot even par.”
- Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match. Wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, 15-foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole.
Her husband, laughing, said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”
The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either.”
- In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it’s called golf.
- Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.
- An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a mulligan which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scottish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?”
“We call it 3.”
- There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
- Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3.
After some deliberation, he takes out his 3-iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within three feet of the pin.
A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3-iron back up like that?”
Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3-iron?”
The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.”
“How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. “About 160 yards,” the fan replied.
Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?”
- “I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”
- After a poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked up the 18th hole.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
- There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly, or start cheating.
- Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
- Golf is a lot like taxes. You go for the green and come out in the hole.
- A golfer was having a terrible round. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.
“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.
“I doubt it,” replied the caddie. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
- Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? He was perfecting his swing.
- One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
- A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
- Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”
- Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.
Two golfers are ready to play on the 12th hole as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says.
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
One Line Golf Puns
- The golf of Mexico
- Traveling around the golf coast
- Flying on a golf-stream jet
- Floating near the Persian Golf
- I am the golf-father
- It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do
- Looking for the course material
- May the course be with you
- Asking fore a friend
- Get down and hit the fore
- Remember the fore fathers
- This is all fore the best
- Un-fore-gettable, in every way
- The Bogey-man
- Let’s do the bogey-woogie
- Kiss my putt
- I like big putts and I cannot lie
- No ifs, ands or putts
- Putter late than never
- Quit wasting time and puttering around
- Stop leering at my putt
- How about a spot of Tee?
- It’s a tee-utiful day
- Let it tee
- This is my cup of tee
- To tee or not to tee
- All bets par off
- As par as the eye can see
- Let’s par-tee
- You are tee-riffic
- You’re the best, by par
- Talk birdie to me
- Gonna catch me riding birdie
- We be clubbin
- It’s club-bering time!
- Who’s your caddy?
- I have some caddy issues
- Green and bear it
- Green there, done that
- Shut up and drive
- You drive me crazy
- I am Iron Man
- I will sit on the Iron Throne
- Rule with an iron first
- Strike while the iron is hot
- Not all men are created eagle
- Stay humble and put your eagle aside
- Everybody trap your hands
- Looking for my Trap queen
- I like gangsta trap
- What a load of trap
- Running a tight chip
- That was a chip shot
- A chip off the old block
- A chip of the tongue
- A start of a beautiful friend-chip
- Nice shot, shankapotamus
- If you golf on election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.
- Address the ball. Hello, ball!
- I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break.
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
- This guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff
- What a beau-tee-utiful day
- BRB traveling around the golf coast
- Catch me riding birdie
- Golf forth, and prosper
- About to get down and hit the fore
- Care fore a spot of Tee?
- It’s ball or nothing
- Over the hills and fore away
- Having a rough time
- Let’s get this par-tee started
- Good times as par as the eye can see
- What a chip shot
- Careful there, putter fingers
- Swingin’ in the rain
- I sure have a hole lotta love for this game
- Down putt not out
- I golf you on my mind
- You are my cup of tee
- To the start of a beautiful friend-chip